he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
