he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
