He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
