I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
