So drunk its hurt
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
