For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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