This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
