I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
