it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
