I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
they're like a gay fantastic four
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
