nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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