I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
