To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
this will be a night to untag.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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