: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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