so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
