it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
