God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
