the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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