my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
