It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
