So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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