I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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