'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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