dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
