I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
