My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
