I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
