Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
