My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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