so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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