Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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