Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
