He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
