My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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