erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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