were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
