I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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