Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
