I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
