Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
