so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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