I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
