just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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