you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
