Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
