..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
