We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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