It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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