Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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