i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Acid is not a monday night drug
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We are two peas in an std pod
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
