ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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